Changing Directions

Ive got a decent job with decent pay. I like the folks I work with. The job itself - its ok, it pays the bills. I never thought I would be working at a Car Dealer. Ive had my struggles with crappy jobs and the pay that comes with it. I love that I bring home my own check and that ive worked hard to get where I am. Now comes the hard part.

As my 25th birthday is fast approaching, I feel like I need a change. As a kid I wanted to be the first female President of the US - yep I was pretty much an overachiever as a kid. I always saw myself working in a office but didnt know what I was doing. I have a degree in TV production which im very proud about but its hard to break into the business when it requires long nights, moving around and stress on not only you but your whole family. If I didnt have my family, I would be that girl. I would be putting career first, but now its the other way around.

I am a firm believer that if you dont like your situtation, you can change it. You should always have a job that you love waking up to and going to. I think that you should love your job so much that if for some reason they told you they were going to no longer pay you that you would still go to work.

In the past 4yrs ive picked up a new hobby/way of working out - pole dancing. Ive been dancing my whole life so when I was introduced to pole, it seemed like a very natural progression. I love my journey in pole, its brought me new friends and a new understanding of myself and body image.

The past 6 months, I really started thinking about making my pole love into a career. I love going in there, I wouldnt mind teaching. I really want to own my own Xpose Fitness. I love the philosphy, atmosphere and everyone at every location ive been to. I know there are lots of women who are Xpose Divas and I am the reason they started taking classes. I know im a big inspiration to not only larger sized women, but women who are afraid to pole. I have the inkling inside me to really make this work.

I promised myself that I should win a Ms Xpose to have some credential attached to my name when I open my own. Ive even thought about where I would open one. The ideas keep flowing to me while im at my day job. I even had a fan of my work suggest to me to do my own workout video. Ive never been the super athletic gal, but I know ive got some moves for this.

My 'pole dancing career' had totally taken off this year. I was invited to do 2 photoshoots, be featured in a nationwide blog, huge fan following on youtube and been invited to one the premier events in of all places LONDON next year.

Im ready to take the next step but honestly, im scared. I dont know where to start, the other fear of failing and landing flat on my face is getting to me as well. I am also worried about what Will is going to say. We have had that conversation time and time again but he knows theres alot of upfront $ involved with starting my own business. We simply dont have the $ but I know I could be a big part of the pole dancing community.

As my birthday is fastly approaching, I know one moment I will wake up and know what I want to do.

Pain

As I finally find some time to start writing this and get my words together for this, Im ready to write about this.



We have all been hurt in the past. It can be from authority, people we know, love and trust. The question is when do you pick up the pieces and just move on with your life? Is there a time limit, or do you wake up one day and the pain is gone?



Ive been hurt alot in my past. Yes, I know everyone experineces this but I feel like I either relive it or keep getting burned. It hurts the most when its someone that you love and trust.



Without going into detail, the past 18 months of my life have been hellish. Ive been through enough where I just wanted to give up on it all. The determination in me stuck. I knew this is just a rough patch, we all have drama. I just needed to learn how to control it better. Now as more things come into play it makes the situation twice as hard.

All I recieve by those who have hurt me is "Im Sorry". Yes its a step in the right direction but, it doesnt undo all the damage the situation has caused. Sometimes you live in that damage, and just press on. I put on my happy face as if nothing is going wrong. I dont want to anyone to see the pain I am going through. I know its my fault, I have put myself through this but I dont need a daily reminder. I want to pick up the fallen, shattered pieces and do my best to fix it. Im ready to move on and turn the page. I want to stay in this chapter but I want it to end on a happy note.

I know I need to work on myself before I get any other parties involved. I think this is the best step in the right direction. I have alot of hurt pains and issues that ive been dealing with for over 20years. I thought I was over them but apparently I am not.

I keep my silence to avoid any fighting. Its better in my mind not to say anything at all than to speak up. I dont like to fight, argue, heated coverstations. I hate that kind of talking, even when it doesnt involve me, I get very scared and figure how this is my fault. Ive done that my whole life, even if I dont have hand in the reason someone is mad I still blame myself. Right now I do blame myself for what I have gotten myself into. I want to sit down and write out every feeling ive experienced recently, but I cant even bring myself to do that. Writing this blog is the first step into writing down all those feelings.

I just want everything back the way they used to be. But since I screwed up and all I can say is "Im Sorry", because there is nothing else I can do. I dont know what more I can do, I could give up everything that makes me happy that hurts the other party. But then it will hurt me in the process.

I dont think the pain ever goes away, it gets lighter over time. Those memories sit in the back of your mind and become small little flickers of your life. But when you are able to realize those stiuations cannot hurt you anymore, thats when the pain slowly starts to lift.

Role Models

Last month my family and I spent the weekend at my Uncles Lake house. I love going down there since its super relaxing and I know ive got some extra sets of hands to help me out. Also it really helps clear my mind about certain things and helps me refocus.



That weekend I started thinking about role models. We all had one as a kid. It could of been the crossing gaurd that helped you across the street in school. Your favorite superhero on a Saturday morning cartoon show. It could of been your parents as well. Now since im a bit older (maybe a bit wiser - depends on who you talk to), I really started to see relationships between spouses and children.



After the weekend at the lake I realized I had a set of role model parents. Its my aunt and uncle. I know they have had thier ups and downs but they have stuck together even in the worst of times. I also look at my cousins. Both are them are going to be college educated - one is a freshman at the local community college and the other is starting her Junior year at Salsibury.



They arent loaded with money, they are just smart with it. They really made sure that thier daughters had things they didnt have as kids. They also made sure they were brought up with manners, morals, and values. I saw how they dont disrespect thier parents, they always listen. They are also willing to help as well.

As for my Aunt and Uncles personal relationship. Its had its ups and downs but they stuck it out and made it work. They seem like polar opposites but they make it work.

Im not saying my parents are the worst parents in the world due to what went on as a child, but I wouldnt want to have a relationship my parents had.



I was a suprise 18th birthday present to my dad - yep concieved on my dads birthday. My parents got married because I was on the way. My Mom has admitted to me that she almost aborted me - yea not a great thing to tell you child. For as long as I can remember, I wasnt the 'favorite' child. I have both younger brother and sister. Of course my brother was a fave since he was the only boy. As for my sister, shes alot more like my mom than I am. I always felt like I got shoved to the side alot growing up. I did have a good childhood, that I can remember. The thing that sticks out the most in my mind is how my self esteem was constantly shattered.

For 20+ years, my mom basically told me I was a worthless piece of (fill in the blank), and that I would never amount to anything in this world. I can only remember once when my mom called me pretty. Right around when I turned 21, is when my mom finally apoligized for what she did. Unfortunatley, all those low esteem issues arent going to go away on thier own. Which I will be the first to admit that I am a work in progress.

As for relationship between my parents, I saw alot of things go down. My Dad was loyal to my mom, I knew he always loved her. He would do anything he could to keep thier marriage going. My mom never wanted to be married to my dad. She cheated on him a handful of times. Some of them she would leave town for a few days. Her infeldility was so bad that when she was expecting my sister, they didnt know if she was going to be black or white. They were married for almost 13yrs before they called it quits. In todays society, that seems like an enternity.

Fast forward to today. Alot of those things I have witnessed made me think about how I wanted to raise my kids. I do my best to give them positive encouragement, and to feel good about themseleves inside and out. I want to show them how to love someone and treat them they way they need to be treated. I want them to know the right way out of a bad situation. Most of all I want them to look back on thier lives and see that Will and I did alot to mold and shape them to the people they have become.

My Letter to Bret Farve

Dear Mr. Farve,

So Ive heard from a little birdie that you decided to come back to football. And that your not playing for the Jets, youve moved on to the Vikings. Personally I dont care because Im a Redskins fan but I figured I needed to get this out.

What is wrong with you? Can you not make up your mind? Geez, your the Mark Martin of the NFL - YOU JUST DONT KNOW WHEN TO STOP! Dont leave people hanging like that!

Now I could see if it was money that you were interested in but I know you go plenty in the bank from all those years being a Packer. Your turning into one of them - players who cant make up thier mind if they are happy with thier team and how much money they are making. There are people who have lost thier jobs and having a hard time looking for a new one yet you can do the switcharoo and hop on to another team because you want to play?

Think about all those other quaterbacks who want to start a game? They have careers too! I would hate to have my thunder stolen by a 39year old (which I must say you look like your 49), who has had his fair share of highlight reels.

So could your reconsider your thought of coming back? I know youve got until Oct before you make your Viking debut.

Searching for style as a fuller figured woman in a recession

Im a girl who doesnt settle. That can be good or bad, depending on the situation. For men, in my eyes its a good thing. That means I dont take anything less than my standards. As for clothes thats a whole other ball game.

Is it possible to be a stylish full figured (hate the words plus size) woman without paying an arm and leg for clothing???

My whole life Ive never been the skinny girl nor the average. Ive always been a bit fuller than the rest of the girls. I was ok with in HS. Then I had my first child, my body changed and I DIDNT LIKE IT. I grew a few sizes, my boobs were a whole new size and I didnt have a wardrobe to fit any of it. It took a good few years to just accept what I got. But with becoming a new size brings a new set of clothes.

The options women of my size have are 1) go through life wearing elastic pants and boxy shirts, to remind then what size they are or 2)spend a fortune on clothes to have thier style. As previously mentioned, I dont settle. Ok I admit, I did at one point in time. I didnt like myself (still dont like parts of me still) and I put all my effort into being a mom (just about every woman I know has done this in thier lives). I really didnt care about what looked good on me, I stayed home during the day and I worked at night. There was no point in my eyes to spend lots of cash on clothes that will never get worn. I went throught a stage of 'I have nothing to wear yet I have a closet full of stuff'. Im currently living the latter due to having my son back in Feb.

After realizing I dont need to sacrifice style because im a mom, I went out on a journey. I wanted to look better. I wanted to be that mom who looked very pulled together without looking like I spent hours just to get ready to go to the park. Being on a budget makes being stylish quite hard. Its possible but its hard.

Its hard being a girl my size. A good example is my recent hunt to find a bathing suit. The one I had from last year the strap for the halter broke. I checked out Lane Bryant - nothing cute, just a reminder that when your a fuller figured you have to hide you body. Then I checked out Torrid, great stuff, tad over priced but sometimes worth it. I found a suit I loved, bathing suit was $78! Im not spending that much money on a swimsuit when it prolly wont fit me next year (determined to lose baby weight and then some). So now im pretty stuck. Fast forward to yesterday. I found some suits at Walmart that were my size and only $15. Score right ! That would be a big flippin NO! I liked one but my girls would pop out, and the other one fit well but I was not crazy on the print. I walked out with no bathing suit. I tried Old Navy, good deal on thier items. Ive been wearing Old Navy since middle school. Tried on a 1pc and a bikini bottom. Nope didnt fit well. The bikini bottoms were under neath my belly so my fat would be sticking out and thats not cute at all. So now im still stuck with out a bathing suit.

Another good example is bras and panties. A girl who is smaller than I am (im not revealing my size but im quite top heavy.) can score cute bras and panties for next to nothing. Its like a total steal. Us fuller girls, do you know what we get?? We get briefs, boy shorts and maybe a thong (only if were feeling adventurous). Our bras have about 4 clasps on the back and the straps feel like they are 10ft wide. Do you know how many colors we get? 3 - black,white and beige. Yay, our undergarment life sounds so interesting. I have found a few places that sell patterned bras like our smaller girlfriends wear. We pay an arm and a leg to make our boobs look like Kilroy. Ive paid over 30 bucks per bra, yes I said per bra. Its downright ridiculas!


Its almost as if the retail business knows they can make a killing off us fuller figured women. We shell out so much for clothes, it actually makes me sick to my stomach.

My Take

Jon & Kate Plus 8 is a reality television show produced in the United States by Figure 8 Films about the Gosselin family, consisting of parents Jon and Kate and their eight children: a pair of fraternal twins and sextuplets. The show follows the family through their daily lives, focusing on the challenges of raising multiple children.

As much of the world knows the Gosselin's have decided to file for divorce. This is my take on it.

Ive been watching it for about a year or so. I'm not a die hard fan but I do like to watch it when its on. I started watching mostly due to curiosity. I was in amazement how they kept the fort down w/two sets of multiples. I also watch because the sextuplets are the same age as McKenzie. Occasionally she will watch with me.

I'm actually tired of hearing about their drama. How high is the divorce rate in this country???? Everyone knows someone who has gone through divorce as a spouse or as a child. They are normal people who grew apart after being together for 10 yrs. People do change whether its for good or bad. Just sadly is their dirty laundry is hung out for the world to see.

I used to love watching them deal with day to day situations you and I go through. Kate left her job as a nurse to tend to her children. They went down to one income. Lots of families do this (to each its own right?). So you saw how they dealt with on mealtimes, managing money, paying bills. Then things starting changing. They received lots of gifts and donations. Personally I think is where the trainwreck begins to start. Jon received a hair transplant and Kate got a tummy tuck - which were both documented on their show. They got trips to NY, Chicago, NC, Disney, Hawaii. Places I know I cant afford to take my children but one day I will. Clothing deals with various brands and designers - GAP, Gymboree, Ed Hardy etc. Yes I know they have 8 kids to support but where do I get any help? I have 2 children and we are living paycheck to paycheck. There are people who are losing their jobs and they get a bunch of freebies because they have 2 sets of multiples???? To me this is absurd. Once the children got older, Kate really started to take care of herself. I'm glad she did and every mom needs to take time to themselves. To me it all started to become Hollywood-ish for me. Next you see them purchasing a 1.1 million dollar home. I understand they needed more space, I cant blame them but they didn't need a McMansion. This is when they both changed.

I don't care who cheated on who. Who doesn't want to be around who etc. But those kids are a top priority. No one wins in a divorce, doesn't matter who filed or wanted it. I only feel for those children. I come from a divorced home, its tough on everyone involved. Its sad to see another family fall apart but its what happens in this country. They are everyday people just like you and I. I do wish that TLC, paparazzi and who ever is spends their day being in their business to give them privacy. If you were getting divorced do you want a camera up in your face asking you questions??? I do hope that Jon and Kate are cordial to each other in front of the children and talking about each other in front of the children. That's not right at all.

There, done and said. I am not going to put in my 2 cents anywhere else about this situation.

Since I havent posted in almost a month, I figured it was time to post something. Im trying not make my blogs sound depressing but whats in my mind, is in there.

For starters my BFF, is in an actual relationship. Shes been on dates but has never had a steady b/f. Now at 23, shes finally seeing someone. From my understanding, hes very much a gentleman. He pays for their dates, takes her see the movies she wants to see, even sends her flowers at work. Shes met his family (it was during memorial day - right place, right time situation). He has even dropped the L word to her. I'm very happy for her. I keep joking w/her about all the sweet stuff he does for her makes me want to vomit, but somehow I wish my man would takes notes.

With that being said, I spent the day evaluating my relationship w/my man. We have been through alot and toughed out many situations where both of us could of given up.

Will and I met November 2003. My 'new' roommates at my apartment were his coworkers. We chatted occasionally, but I was way too busy. I was going to school f/t (literally), and work 2 20hr week jobs. I had no free time. I was semi sorta seeing someone at the time (ok we went on one date), so I wasnt interested in moving on w/that guy. Fast forward to the first week of 2004. I was 5 weeks away from graduating from the Broadcasting Institute of MD. I was very focused on my future career. I always wanted to work in tv and movies. I still want to be a music video director. Will was over at my apartment when we were having a apartment meeting (gotta love them). I was mad b/c I didnt have alot of $ so when I bought food it was basically a 'treat'. Someone ate one of my frozen pizzas (trust me I was pretty pissed, my name was written on it). I went off but some how Will kept looking at me the entire time. I guess this is where he started to 'like' me. He says he liked that I was assertive and was determined to be successful (honestly I think its b/c im larger on the top). We chatted a bit that day and a bit of flirting was exchanged. I didnt see him for a few nights after that. With the way our schedules were it was hard to meet up. Funny thing was we both worked at the same mall but never ran into each other. I was working for The Childrens Place and Bath and Body Works and he was at Johnny Rockets.

Speeding up to Jan 8th (yes im sappy, I remember those dates). I didnt have to work that night (yipee) and I stayed at school late working on some projects. I had a pretty stressful day. I came home and he was there. I could tell he liked me. So I did what I do best, I milk it for all its worth. That night there was some hardcore flirting. We both knew we wanted each other. Trust me it was obvious to everyone watching us. Somehow just the 2 of us ended up in the kitchen. Still being super flirtatious, I joked about starting to fight. Somehow we 'fought' and I ended up on the floor with him on top of me. We both looked into each other eyes, thats when we both knew we wanted to be in a relationship with each other. He said he won. I asked what made him think he won. Thats when he kissed me. My heart stopped beating for a hot second. I looked at him and smiled. He knew from then that I wanted to be w/him. One of our friends checked in on us because it was very quiet in that room. Oops! He did end up staying the night that night (yes, what your thinking is what actually happened).

I knew from our first date I wanted to marry him. Yes, very sappy, but I never felt like that towards a man. Well, little did we know that with in the first few months of dating, we would conceive our first child together. Speeding up the Aug 2004. I went to my routine visit w/the obgyn. He informed me that I was expecting and was due in Nov. Trust me I was shocked, wanted to vomit, scared, ashamed all at the same time. I will save the why didnt I know earlier speech until the next blog. We decided that we were going to accept that we were going to become parents and raise the child together. The next 3 months, we found a place to live together, got the babys room together, meet his parents, and made the adjustments we needed to be together. McKenzie was born 11/05/2004 at 11:39a.

About a week after she was born, Will proposed to me. I always knew he would but not when he did. We discussed it very little while dating, mostly because I was not ready yet. He respected that decision. My dad asked when he was going to marry me and Will told my dad if he felt like I was 'the one' he would. He wanted to marry me for me not because of a child we had together. We were married 7/8/06.

I may complain he doesnt help around the house, hes getting on my last nerve, how I cant stand his nascar addiction or the other vices that bother me, but I thank anything and everything thats holy thats hes been by my side the entire time. I dont know who else could stick by me that long and not leave me. I do appreciate the fact that he stepped up to the plate and became a dad. Plus he gave up a job he loved (persona training) to pick up a career that brought in a steady paycheck. Maybe I dont give him enough credit when its due. I do say deep down inside, I wish he would act like how we was when we were dating. We went on dates, spent time together that werent on the opposite ends of the couch, sent sweet text msgs, had lunch together etc. Now balancing work, kids, families, bills etc, it gets harder. Im the first to admit it. I think if you want something done, you need to step up first. Even if its telling how you feel. Thats very hard for me. Im very much a girl that keeps it all bottled up until I crack. Im a work in progress and hopes it may improve my marriage.


As much of the ups and downs we go through, we come out stronger than we were in the beginning.