Since I havent posted in almost a month, I figured it was time to post something. Im trying not make my blogs sound depressing but whats in my mind, is in there.

For starters my BFF, is in an actual relationship. Shes been on dates but has never had a steady b/f. Now at 23, shes finally seeing someone. From my understanding, hes very much a gentleman. He pays for their dates, takes her see the movies she wants to see, even sends her flowers at work. Shes met his family (it was during memorial day - right place, right time situation). He has even dropped the L word to her. I'm very happy for her. I keep joking w/her about all the sweet stuff he does for her makes me want to vomit, but somehow I wish my man would takes notes.

With that being said, I spent the day evaluating my relationship w/my man. We have been through alot and toughed out many situations where both of us could of given up.

Will and I met November 2003. My 'new' roommates at my apartment were his coworkers. We chatted occasionally, but I was way too busy. I was going to school f/t (literally), and work 2 20hr week jobs. I had no free time. I was semi sorta seeing someone at the time (ok we went on one date), so I wasnt interested in moving on w/that guy. Fast forward to the first week of 2004. I was 5 weeks away from graduating from the Broadcasting Institute of MD. I was very focused on my future career. I always wanted to work in tv and movies. I still want to be a music video director. Will was over at my apartment when we were having a apartment meeting (gotta love them). I was mad b/c I didnt have alot of $ so when I bought food it was basically a 'treat'. Someone ate one of my frozen pizzas (trust me I was pretty pissed, my name was written on it). I went off but some how Will kept looking at me the entire time. I guess this is where he started to 'like' me. He says he liked that I was assertive and was determined to be successful (honestly I think its b/c im larger on the top). We chatted a bit that day and a bit of flirting was exchanged. I didnt see him for a few nights after that. With the way our schedules were it was hard to meet up. Funny thing was we both worked at the same mall but never ran into each other. I was working for The Childrens Place and Bath and Body Works and he was at Johnny Rockets.

Speeding up to Jan 8th (yes im sappy, I remember those dates). I didnt have to work that night (yipee) and I stayed at school late working on some projects. I had a pretty stressful day. I came home and he was there. I could tell he liked me. So I did what I do best, I milk it for all its worth. That night there was some hardcore flirting. We both knew we wanted each other. Trust me it was obvious to everyone watching us. Somehow just the 2 of us ended up in the kitchen. Still being super flirtatious, I joked about starting to fight. Somehow we 'fought' and I ended up on the floor with him on top of me. We both looked into each other eyes, thats when we both knew we wanted to be in a relationship with each other. He said he won. I asked what made him think he won. Thats when he kissed me. My heart stopped beating for a hot second. I looked at him and smiled. He knew from then that I wanted to be w/him. One of our friends checked in on us because it was very quiet in that room. Oops! He did end up staying the night that night (yes, what your thinking is what actually happened).

I knew from our first date I wanted to marry him. Yes, very sappy, but I never felt like that towards a man. Well, little did we know that with in the first few months of dating, we would conceive our first child together. Speeding up the Aug 2004. I went to my routine visit w/the obgyn. He informed me that I was expecting and was due in Nov. Trust me I was shocked, wanted to vomit, scared, ashamed all at the same time. I will save the why didnt I know earlier speech until the next blog. We decided that we were going to accept that we were going to become parents and raise the child together. The next 3 months, we found a place to live together, got the babys room together, meet his parents, and made the adjustments we needed to be together. McKenzie was born 11/05/2004 at 11:39a.

About a week after she was born, Will proposed to me. I always knew he would but not when he did. We discussed it very little while dating, mostly because I was not ready yet. He respected that decision. My dad asked when he was going to marry me and Will told my dad if he felt like I was 'the one' he would. He wanted to marry me for me not because of a child we had together. We were married 7/8/06.

I may complain he doesnt help around the house, hes getting on my last nerve, how I cant stand his nascar addiction or the other vices that bother me, but I thank anything and everything thats holy thats hes been by my side the entire time. I dont know who else could stick by me that long and not leave me. I do appreciate the fact that he stepped up to the plate and became a dad. Plus he gave up a job he loved (persona training) to pick up a career that brought in a steady paycheck. Maybe I dont give him enough credit when its due. I do say deep down inside, I wish he would act like how we was when we were dating. We went on dates, spent time together that werent on the opposite ends of the couch, sent sweet text msgs, had lunch together etc. Now balancing work, kids, families, bills etc, it gets harder. Im the first to admit it. I think if you want something done, you need to step up first. Even if its telling how you feel. Thats very hard for me. Im very much a girl that keeps it all bottled up until I crack. Im a work in progress and hopes it may improve my marriage.


As much of the ups and downs we go through, we come out stronger than we were in the beginning.

Marriage

Before I was married, anytime I would hear someone talking down about being married, I thought to myself 'then why did you get married in the first place'. As I got older and wiser, now I understand some of it was a joke (we all do it) and some of it was for real. Ive been married for almost 3yrs. It has its ups and downs, just like any other relationship.

Ive also noticed that things really do change when your married. Just the basics include bill sharing, learning eachother home habits, grocery shopping etc. You would think these would be the only things that change. Even if you do live together prior to marriage, things change. Will and I have been living together for almost 5yrs. We got married about 1.5yrs after we moved in together (his dad would joke and say 'why buy the cow when you can get the milk for free'), things definatly changed. Ive noticed there arent so many date nights. I havent been on a kid free event with him since Dec. Id love to spend quality time w/him but we dont find time to. Our 'quality' time is us watching tv with him controlling the remote and what we watch. We sit on opposite ends of the couch. No hand holding, no cuddling etc.

But lately Ive been feeling like hes distant from me. We dont cuddle before we go to bed, its almost a chore to kiss one another goodnight. I guess were just so wrapped up in our lives outside of our relationship (work, friends, kids, you get the hint), that we are just to exhausted to enjoy one another. Last night we were talking and I told him I wanted to DTD last night (those new to the shorthanded, that doing the deed). He basically told me no b/c Riggins is awake and he feels wierd doing that while hes awake. But we used to do that w/Kenzie and pop in a dvd. Fast forward to bedtime. We both head to bed and he starts caressing my back, im thinking 'hell yes, he changed his mind'. Did he? NO! He asked me if I was turned on, I replied yes and he stoped. WTF!!!!!! I just couldnt sleep from that moment, I got up and went into the living room and watched tv until 1230. I just could not fall asleep knowing that I got denied. I understand right now is a stressful time. We are now paying for 2 kids in daycare, and infant supplies. We cant get any type of help (hell, id take a sliding scale instead), b/c were both hard workers and make too much $ for the system. (again I have my own personal beef w/govt assistance) Plus we have more month than money! So I can see why he wouldnt want to do something like that.

But what about my needs? I need more than just physical. I need emotional as well. I need to know I can lean on his shoulder when im having a rough day, when I need time away from the kids, or be able to hold his hand b/c I want to. I miss the guy I dated. He swept me off my feet and made me feel loved. Now im lucky if I get 'I love you' randomly from him. Where did he go? And why do all men do this?