As I finally find some time to start writing this and get my words together for this, Im ready to write about this.
We have all been hurt in the past. It can be from authority, people we know, love and trust. The question is when do you pick up the pieces and just move on with your life? Is there a time limit, or do you wake up one day and the pain is gone?
Ive been hurt alot in my past. Yes, I know everyone experineces this but I feel like I either relive it or keep getting burned. It hurts the most when its someone that you love and trust.
Without going into detail, the past 18 months of my life have been hellish. Ive been through enough where I just wanted to give up on it all. The determination in me stuck. I knew this is just a rough patch, we all have drama. I just needed to learn how to control it better. Now as more things come into play it makes the situation twice as hard.
All I recieve by those who have hurt me is "Im Sorry". Yes its a step in the right direction but, it doesnt undo all the damage the situation has caused. Sometimes you live in that damage, and just press on. I put on my happy face as if nothing is going wrong. I dont want to anyone to see the pain I am going through. I know its my fault, I have put myself through this but I dont need a daily reminder. I want to pick up the fallen, shattered pieces and do my best to fix it. Im ready to move on and turn the page. I want to stay in this chapter but I want it to end on a happy note.
I know I need to work on myself before I get any other parties involved. I think this is the best step in the right direction. I have alot of hurt pains and issues that ive been dealing with for over 20years. I thought I was over them but apparently I am not.
I keep my silence to avoid any fighting. Its better in my mind not to say anything at all than to speak up. I dont like to fight, argue, heated coverstations. I hate that kind of talking, even when it doesnt involve me, I get very scared and figure how this is my fault. Ive done that my whole life, even if I dont have hand in the reason someone is mad I still blame myself. Right now I do blame myself for what I have gotten myself into. I want to sit down and write out every feeling ive experienced recently, but I cant even bring myself to do that. Writing this blog is the first step into writing down all those feelings.
I just want everything back the way they used to be. But since I screwed up and all I can say is "Im Sorry", because there is nothing else I can do. I dont know what more I can do, I could give up everything that makes me happy that hurts the other party. But then it will hurt me in the process.
I dont think the pain ever goes away, it gets lighter over time. Those memories sit in the back of your mind and become small little flickers of your life. But when you are able to realize those stiuations cannot hurt you anymore, thats when the pain slowly starts to lift.