Marriage

Before I was married, anytime I would hear someone talking down about being married, I thought to myself 'then why did you get married in the first place'. As I got older and wiser, now I understand some of it was a joke (we all do it) and some of it was for real. Ive been married for almost 3yrs. It has its ups and downs, just like any other relationship.

Ive also noticed that things really do change when your married. Just the basics include bill sharing, learning eachother home habits, grocery shopping etc. You would think these would be the only things that change. Even if you do live together prior to marriage, things change. Will and I have been living together for almost 5yrs. We got married about 1.5yrs after we moved in together (his dad would joke and say 'why buy the cow when you can get the milk for free'), things definatly changed. Ive noticed there arent so many date nights. I havent been on a kid free event with him since Dec. Id love to spend quality time w/him but we dont find time to. Our 'quality' time is us watching tv with him controlling the remote and what we watch. We sit on opposite ends of the couch. No hand holding, no cuddling etc.

But lately Ive been feeling like hes distant from me. We dont cuddle before we go to bed, its almost a chore to kiss one another goodnight. I guess were just so wrapped up in our lives outside of our relationship (work, friends, kids, you get the hint), that we are just to exhausted to enjoy one another. Last night we were talking and I told him I wanted to DTD last night (those new to the shorthanded, that doing the deed). He basically told me no b/c Riggins is awake and he feels wierd doing that while hes awake. But we used to do that w/Kenzie and pop in a dvd. Fast forward to bedtime. We both head to bed and he starts caressing my back, im thinking 'hell yes, he changed his mind'. Did he? NO! He asked me if I was turned on, I replied yes and he stoped. WTF!!!!!! I just couldnt sleep from that moment, I got up and went into the living room and watched tv until 1230. I just could not fall asleep knowing that I got denied. I understand right now is a stressful time. We are now paying for 2 kids in daycare, and infant supplies. We cant get any type of help (hell, id take a sliding scale instead), b/c were both hard workers and make too much $ for the system. (again I have my own personal beef w/govt assistance) Plus we have more month than money! So I can see why he wouldnt want to do something like that.

But what about my needs? I need more than just physical. I need emotional as well. I need to know I can lean on his shoulder when im having a rough day, when I need time away from the kids, or be able to hold his hand b/c I want to. I miss the guy I dated. He swept me off my feet and made me feel loved. Now im lucky if I get 'I love you' randomly from him. Where did he go? And why do all men do this?

Things that make you go Hmmm

I got to thinking not to long ago. Ever notice how guys pull out the stops to be with you but as soon as they get what you want, all the magic is gone. Ive always thought about this. Its like they have this mentality that once you wow them, they dont have to do it anymore. SO NOT TRUE! What girl doesnt want to be suprised every now and then? My spouse tells me that I have to tell him when I want a date. Then I feel like theres no excitement because I already know what to expect. I want suprises, romance and be swept off my feet. His answer? 'since we've had the kids I cant afford to do that anymore'. Since when did love have a price tag? I would much rather have a romantic night in then to go out to dinner. Instead hes attached to the tv watching what he wants while I sit on the couch bored out of my mind. I dont know about any other women, but I want to be told how nice I look, or that im an amazing person, or he loves to be around me. Women need that reassuarance every now and then.

For me the last time we went out minus kids, was Dec of last year. Ive been itching to get some time alone with out both children but its hard. Mostly because of him. Dont worry weve got plenty of sitter options. Hes just to lazy to do anything about it. We even have gift cards to have a date night but we will prolly never use them, which actually breaks my heart. It sad when we could make a date not cost a dime, he still wont spring for it.

I just wish guys would open thier eyes and take notice of whats going on.

Motivation Missing

All of a sudden, I dont want to do anything. I dont want to go out, I rather sit at home. I dont even want to work out, which is really rare. I think its because we went to the grocery store and I had to take Kenzie to the bathroom. I looked at myself in the mirror - I saw nothing but disgusting. I have a belly I cant stand to look at, I hate my new size, boobs and all. Nothing fits, I never feel good about myself, I pretend to so no one thinks anything wrong. I havent showered in 2 days, im tired constantly. I know I just had a baby but I hate this part. I do all the work around here, I dont get no thank you, or here let me help or even 'you look pretty today'. I need that kind of encouragement, I dont get it then I think no one notices and I go back into hiding. Ive been tearing up on and off today hoping Will would see me but obviously he didnt.

I know the first person I need to work on is myself but its hard when you had been told for 2 decades that your a worthless piece of S*hit that will never amount to anything in this world. It doesnt take 5yrs to come off, Its been a long rough process. The only time I saw myself as pretty is when I lost all the weight for the Ms Xpose competition, then I end up pregnant and gaining it all back 10fold.

Someone help me.

Welcome Intro

I guess before I started blogging, let me at least give you some background on me.


Hello! Im LuAyne Brown. I was born on Jan 11th 1985 at PG county hospital. I am the oldest of 3. My siblings are Tom (2/17/86) and Eileen (8/4/89), my parents have been happily divorced for over a decade. I graduated HS from Old Mill in 2003. I completed my post basic education at the Broadcasting Insititue of MD, where I majored in TV production. I am the proud momma of two little ones, McKenzie (11/5/04) and Riggins (2/1/09). I am also married to a wonderful man, Will (wedding date 7/8/06). I have a f/t job working for Honda of Bowie as an accounting clerk. I also run my own Mary Kay business (www.marykay.com/ljbrown06). I have a very busy life but thats the way I like it. I run on 2 speeds - non stop business and rest, ive got no inbetween.

Some other random stuff about me:
Fav colors - pink and yellow
Owns a Mini Cooper and refuses to trade it in for something more 'practical'
I like various types of music. Im not a big fan of country.
I love to pole dance (not stripping, I dont get naked)
I love meeting new people
I am not afraid to be me, if your afraid of being you, then who are you?