Marriage

Before I was married, anytime I would hear someone talking down about being married, I thought to myself 'then why did you get married in the first place'. As I got older and wiser, now I understand some of it was a joke (we all do it) and some of it was for real. Ive been married for almost 3yrs. It has its ups and downs, just like any other relationship.

Ive also noticed that things really do change when your married. Just the basics include bill sharing, learning eachother home habits, grocery shopping etc. You would think these would be the only things that change. Even if you do live together prior to marriage, things change. Will and I have been living together for almost 5yrs. We got married about 1.5yrs after we moved in together (his dad would joke and say 'why buy the cow when you can get the milk for free'), things definatly changed. Ive noticed there arent so many date nights. I havent been on a kid free event with him since Dec. Id love to spend quality time w/him but we dont find time to. Our 'quality' time is us watching tv with him controlling the remote and what we watch. We sit on opposite ends of the couch. No hand holding, no cuddling etc.

But lately Ive been feeling like hes distant from me. We dont cuddle before we go to bed, its almost a chore to kiss one another goodnight. I guess were just so wrapped up in our lives outside of our relationship (work, friends, kids, you get the hint), that we are just to exhausted to enjoy one another. Last night we were talking and I told him I wanted to DTD last night (those new to the shorthanded, that doing the deed). He basically told me no b/c Riggins is awake and he feels wierd doing that while hes awake. But we used to do that w/Kenzie and pop in a dvd. Fast forward to bedtime. We both head to bed and he starts caressing my back, im thinking 'hell yes, he changed his mind'. Did he? NO! He asked me if I was turned on, I replied yes and he stoped. WTF!!!!!! I just couldnt sleep from that moment, I got up and went into the living room and watched tv until 1230. I just could not fall asleep knowing that I got denied. I understand right now is a stressful time. We are now paying for 2 kids in daycare, and infant supplies. We cant get any type of help (hell, id take a sliding scale instead), b/c were both hard workers and make too much $ for the system. (again I have my own personal beef w/govt assistance) Plus we have more month than money! So I can see why he wouldnt want to do something like that.

But what about my needs? I need more than just physical. I need emotional as well. I need to know I can lean on his shoulder when im having a rough day, when I need time away from the kids, or be able to hold his hand b/c I want to. I miss the guy I dated. He swept me off my feet and made me feel loved. Now im lucky if I get 'I love you' randomly from him. Where did he go? And why do all men do this?